American Missive

ATLANTA— The American Missive has obtained an early released excerpt from Barack Obama’s historic speech to the nation on the war in Afghanistan.  The Administration did note to the Missive that the exact number of troops is subject to change between now and the speech this evening, as Barack Obama reserves that time for the possibility of further contemplation over his plans.

My fellow Americans.   After weeks of dithering and pondering subtle nuance, I have come to what I believe is an intellectually consistent position on our path forward in the war in Afghanistan; one that has been so parsed and well-contemplated, that it will surely be worth fighting for.

Having considered the ins and the outs- the what-have-you’s- I, Barack Obama, have concluded that precisely 30,011 additional troops are needed in Afghanistan to finish the job.   Not 32,000, mind you.  Nor 28,000.  But 30,011.  Determining the number with that level of precision is what the last several months were about.

These brave soldiers go forth knowing that their intellectual superior and commander-in-chief, I- yes, I – Barack Obama, have parsed the riddles of our dust-up in that distant land and I know exactly how to win and be successful there.

Pakistan. 

I just love to say that: Pakistan. 

(Don’t you love how I pronounce it?)

Pakistan.

The “Paki-” rhymes with “hockey.” You see?

Hockey-stan.

Ha!  If I were king of Canada, I would declare our country be renamed Hockey-stan.

But I digress.

The past few months have been difficult, as I have pondered my decision over Afghanistan.  During that time, I have been to Copenhagen to try and win the Olympics for the city of Chicago; I have used millions in federal dollars to do what amounted to a rock-star vacation in Asia; I have won a Nobel Peace Prize for being a good citizen and a decent guy.  These times have been difficult.

And the path forward in Afghanistan will likewise be difficult. 

But this is a battle that must be won! 

It must be won not because there are religious ideologues in Afghanistan hell-bent on destroying America that must be stopped – I don’t think we should focus on that, it would be discriminatory.

Nor is it a battle that must be won because there is a threat to the world that terrorists will obtain nuclear weapons from rogue regimes- I think offering dialogue to those regimes will nip that threat in the bud. 

No.  And neither is this a battle that must be won because we are America and we offer freedom to an oppressed people – you must recognize there is nothing exceptional about America and we have done much more wrong then good in this world.

No, this is a battle that must be won because I said so.  Because I spent an extra month thinking about the strategy and on the seventh day declared it good.  Because I am Barack Obama. 

Know this America: my plan for Afghanistan will lead us to victory within the next 16 months, will not add a dime to the federal deficit, and won’t cover illegal immigrants!

And know this, too!  If the strategy does not go according to plan, I will instruct our military to declare victory in Afghanistan and quit. 

Brave men and women of the U.S. military, go forth now- inspired to fight, and with this in mind.

To the rest of my fellow citizens: live long and prosper!